On the other side of the school run

Earlier this week, hubby and I had the absolute pleasure and pride of seeing our youngest daughther graduate from University with a first class honours degree in Education with Psychology.

25 years ago, we were given a mandate by God to give our children the best education we could afford. That mandate came with a promise - that they would exceed all that we had achieved as parents academically.

At the time, we had just one son, aged 4. We had tragically lost our second son, who was stillborn, and we were frankly in no mood to have any more children. But during a prophetic meeting, the three men of God who spoke over our lives were clear. We were going to have children, plural. And God had a purpose and destiny for their lives.

Sure enough, two years later, our ray of sunshine arrived - a girl - and we couldn't be happier. We were content. We had one of each gender, and while our daughter was carried to term, it was a difficult birth, and not a process I was willing to put myself through again.

But mercy said no! In 22 short months, her sister, our most recent graduate, was born. I was taken aback by her conception - I still call it the immaculate conception to this day - as we were certainly not looking to fall pregnant again! She became our joyful surprise, and has spent most of her life surprising us in wonderful ways.

We were mindful of the call to give them a good education. And so we worked hard. We poured everything we had, and more often, didn't have, into their education. We paid private school fees when our bank balances said otherwise. We sacrificed many comforts in order to fulfil that mandate. The words of the men of God rang in our ears.

While we tried to faithfully provide a conducive environment for their academic success, the children had other plans.

Aged 13, our son demanded to know why he was being asked to sit countless common entrance exams. "I never asked you to send me to private school", he said. At age 8, our middle daughter was diagosed with dyslexia. We were in the process of changing schools and some of the schools she interviewed for told us she can only be accepted if she repeated the year. We eventually found a school that recognised her needs, and was confident in their ability to support her in the school year she belonged to. When she was older, we were told more than once that she could never cope with the rigours of an IB education and she should settle for a school leaving diploma instead - a decision that would have closed the door to her future University.

Yet, we battled on. Our son was sent to boarding school for three years as we felt a mind reset was needed. He cried every day for a while before eventually settling down and embracing his new reality. Now a father himself, he has thanked on numerous occassions for the experience as he credits it with giving him a secure sense of his own identity and capabilities. This young man eventually found his way to a course he loved at Uni, worked extreemely hard, and graduated with a First.

My beautiful dyslexic middle daugther was not naturally academic. Several times she got close to chucking in the towel on education. In fact, for nearly two years prior, she tried to talk us out of going to Uni. But we held on to the word. We warred with it. We cried over it. We questioned it. How can this dyslexic, non-academic girl finish university, never mind get a good degree? In her fourth year of Uni, something clicked. She worked. Hard. Both at Uni and at the part time job she was doing. And she flourished. Her grades improved to the point of being on the verge of a First. The Uni offered her a guaranteed 2:1 for a summer graduation or the option of trying for a first if she stayed on for a few extra months. She did the sensible thing for her and accepted the 2:1, knowing, as we did, that she got to that point purely by grace. A few months later, she was approached by the organisation she had worked with during Uni and was offered a job.

Our academic youngest daugther was always the one most likely to get a first. And almost as if to prove it, all her first year grades were a straight first. The only problem was that year one didn't count towards her final grades. Year 2 and 3 were more academically challenging. But she pushed and pushed and worked extremely hard. It was touch and go until the last minute as to whether or not she had earned enough cumulative grades to make the cut. She did. Just like that, we saw the manifestation of what God had said to us, 25 years earlier, through three men we barely knew at the time. All three children surpassed hubby and I with better grades than we had managed at their age - me, a second class upper, their dad, a third.

I write this today because you need to know that it takes time, courage and a steadfast faith to see the fulfilment of your God-given vision over your children. Many atimes, where we were stood bore no resemblance to where we were going. We could not make out the way forward. Our GPS had no signal. But we also didn't entertain anything that was contrary to the mandate we had received. And God did the rest. He had to transform their hearts and ours, challenge limiting beliefs and give us allies in the education space. Kind hearted souls who did not judge our kids by their cover.

Parents, the child you see in front of you today is not the final edition. Do not judge or discard a child in an unfinished state. They need you more than ever, especially in the yukky phase of life, to believe in them, in their potential, and to advocate for them.

What has any of this got to do with learning music did I hear you say? Well, don't sit a child in front of an instrument or pay for lessons if you are not willing to see them through thick and thin. Learning to play an instrument well is difficult and challenging - don't let anyone tell you otherwise - and your child will experience frustration and feelings of self-doubt. They will question whether it is for them, and if they will ever be able to play well. And then all of a sudden, one day, they succeed at something and that feeling becomes addictive. They want to experience how success makes them feel, again and again. They start to believe in their own capabilities. They begin to want to learn music for themselves, not because you made them learn.

Motivation almost always starts off extrinsically, before it become intrinsic.

Hubby and I had plenty of opportunity to yield to the discouragement. We could have let our children have their way, and given up on the mandate to give them a good education. Why "waste" all this money if the child you are sacrificing for doesn't even appreciate it? Well, its not about them. They say human brains are not fully able to comprehend the consequences of their actions until their mid 20s. This journey is about your obedience, your faith and your resilience.

Have hubby and I "arrived"? Yes, and no. While we can technically close the door on school runs for our biological children, we choose to keep them wide open for the countless other children on their way, who are facing the same struggles and doubts, who are being told "You won't amount to much", "You are a failure already", "Better give up now". As parents, you must not let those words take root. Fight it with everything you have got. And nourish and care for the child in front of you. Do not compare your child to someone else's child - trust me, you do not want their problems - no matter how perfect a child they appear to be. You have been given the grace and all that you need for the children you have been entrusted with. Focus on them. Feed them with a rich soil and watch them blossom.

All my children had music lessons growing up and I honestly believe music education played a big role in helping them develop resilience, think creatively and to be confident in a room full of strangers.

Music also helped to regulate the worst effects of their neurodivergent traits. We jokingly refer to ourselves as being a "neuro-spicy" family, with dyslexia, ADD and possible autism in the mix. My eldest son used music and sounds to help him focus and to regulate his sleep. My middle daughter found solace in playing the piano in moments of severe distress and anxiety. My youngest found that singing and playing the piano helped to ease tension and stress. For all my children, being able to express themselves musically on their instruments and through song was therapeutic.

My youngest is still actively involved with singing at Church and she continues to learn the piano in her own personal time. It's a lifestyle choice for her. I thoroughly enjoyed watching this video clip of her and her housemate at Uni playing a duet together, just for fun. Just because they could. We temporarily took posession of her piano the other day, while she is waiting to move into her next home. Like for her older siblings, music is a faithful travelling companion on life's journey. And so it should be.

Wherever you are in your parenting journey, I pray your path is both smooth and rough in all the right places. There is a reason why diamonds are forged under intense pressure in the dark and lonely depths of the earth where no one sees.

One day, people will gather around you to celebrate the splendour and brilliance of your son or daughter. Few will know the price you paid. And that's ok.

Categories: : Music Mums and Dads